Hey there. It's Erik. How would you like to travel for a month with your entire family anywhere in the world without quitting your job? I'd love to show you how. That's how Emily and I and our five kids started. We would just do these one-month trips that eventually grew to living on a sailboat, including our daughter with special needs. Once we started to do this we felt like we just found the cheat coat for life, and we'd love to share it with you. So this is what we do. It's called a Discovery Call. You book a time for 20-30 minutes. It's free. We're going to go over three questions, and when we do this you're going to be able to launch your first of many——hopefully——Family Adventures. It does not require you to quit your job. All you got to do is go to theawesomefactory.nyc/discovery. Pick a time that works for you and we'll get on and we'll get you going. Why do I do these for free? Because everyone deserves to know what's possible in their life, including you. So love to see you there. Thanks!
What do you do when you and your sweetheart don't have the same dream? That's what we're gonna talk about today on the What Could Go Right podcast. I am Erik Orton. I'm Emily Orton. And here we talk about personal growth, family connection, and raising adult kids. So on the last episode, we were talking about how to, we talked about blue sky questions and how to get in touch with the parts of yourself that are your true interests, desires.
the things that you really want to learn more about and grow into, and purposefully doing that without taking into consideration, and I'm gonna be rude here, without taking into consideration the expectations or hopes that, let's say, your spouse or other people might have for you. And so that's an important step because it's really important to get to our own foundation. But then if you and your spouse do this exercise, you're gonna come up with a set of answers.
And you might have dreams that overlap, Venn diagram style, and you might have some that are not overlapping at all. Or at least they don't seem to. Or they don't seem to. So then what do you do? And this can be a fraught, thorny area. Yeah, I think this can be really tricky, especially in the personal development where we kind of say like.
Well, hey, if there's anybody who doesn't want exactly the same thing that I want, then that means we're misaligned and it's time for us to part ways. And I don't agree with that assessment. I think there are, I think there are a lot of ways to share in each other's dreams without wanting exactly the same thing. If what you want is for each other to, you know, continue to grow, then you're in a good spot. So.
For example, I think one of my favorite stories, we were listening to a friend of ours was telling us he had this amazing opportunity. He got invited to hike Mont Blanc. Did I say that right? Friends, yeah. He got invited to go on this hike. It was last minute. Someone else had dropped out at the party. And good news for him that even though he was well into his 50s, he ran five miles every day, he lifted weights, he was prepared. He could just walk into the situation.
And I thought, wow, that sounds amazing. That sounds so fun. And then his wife told me what she was gonna be doing for the week while he was gone. She was gonna be at home. She was gonna open all the cabinets and cupboards in the whole kitchen, take out every single item, reassess what she wanted to keep, reorganize every single thing, and he wouldn't be coming in and out or needing things throughout this whole project.
And I thought, oh, that actually sounds really good. I would have a tough time deciding which one of those things I would wanna do because I have a strong pull to making the environment that I live in more functional and more beautiful, whatever it might be. And for Erik, it was like, easy peasy, I do not care about the kitchen, right? The fact that you still feel torn between this is just crazy to me. That that would hold any draw for you at all is mind blowing to me, which...
I love you. And yet here we are, right? And you have been my hero in putting in kitchen cabinets for me in the past. So I'm just saying, like, I've seen you support my dreams in that way, and I have gone on adventures with you. Actually, that was one of ours, where we did not think that our dreams or interests were aligned.
And we found out we were wrong. Ta-da. You wanna tell that? Yeah, so okay. So when we were thinking about living on a sailboat, first of all, I'll say we, we're not thinking about going on a sail, living on a sailboat. I was. And I cozied up to Emily one day as we watched the light pour into our apartment and our kids were playing quietly on the floor, doing their things that make little kids so cute. And I said to Emily, I think the seven of us on a sailboat would be enough universe for me. Seven of us on a sailboat would be enough universe for me. And I just looked lovingly into her eyes. And she looked lovingly into my eyes, beautifully masking all of the fear and terror and pyrotechnics that were going on behind her eyes and her brain.
Because this is not something that she wanted, something that scared her because she had a deep fear of deep water. And so how did it come to be that we as a family did live on a sailboat? It wasn't because I just said, look, my way or the highway, this is what we're doing. I think we came to it very amicably. And I'll just sort of give the very, very brief version.
I much more was interested in adventure, in travel, seeing kind of exotic places and the challenge and the skill of sailing, that was really interesting to me. And the history of it, all the people who had sailed throughout history. The timelessness of it, yeah. Yeah, nostalgic. And I'll try and restate what my understanding is of your perspective, and you'll tell me why I'm right or wrong, which is we will be together as a family all the time.
We will have our home with us at all times. We'll be able to sleep in the same beds. We'll have our setup, we'll travel with us. And so we might be going to a new island or a new anchorage or a new country, but we'll be going, first of all, we'll be going together as a family. And wherever we go, we'll have our life with us. It won't be like pack up, travel, unpack, set up, and then break down and travel again.
It won't be that constant breakdown and set up lifestyle that we think of with travel. Everything will just go with us. We drop anchor, raise anchor and keep going. And that part appealing to you, is that fair to say? Yeah, I was really interested in our family relationships being stronger. It is an advantage when you set up one time and then you don't have to set up again.
It's a little bit of a misnomer because how groceries work on a sailboat. But for me, the top priority has always been the family relationships and knowing that if we did something like this, the kids would get to have you around and your influence around and really get to know you and you get to know them in a new level and that we would share these unforgettable experiences. That was my number one top thing for us to learn and grow together in a way that would bond us together.
And I also wanted to show the example to our kids of actually dream pursuit, what that really looked like. And not just saying, you could do anything if you set your mind to it. Okay, show me mom and dad, what are you setting your mind to and doing it?
And that, so we realized that maybe Erik's number one was this adventure element and my number one was family relation, but those actually were a line that an adventure can be an incredible, efficient vehicle for family connection. And once I realized that, I became so much more receptive because after we spent the year on a sailboat, we had such a great experience and we came back with so much confidence and we looked at the world through new eyes and we saw ourselves in a new way as well.
We started recognizing opportunities that we were willing to say yes to that led to us traveling all over the world and doing it in a really creative way. We realized we didn't just have to have a rich uncle die somewhere to be able to make your dreams come true or pick the right stuff, whatever it might be, your get rich fantasy.
And that is ultimately why we ended up even starting The Awesome Factory, which has led to us sitting here during the What Could Go Right? podcast, this whole mindset shifted when we realized it's something that we thought were opposite was actually aligned and we supported each other. So one of the things I want to say about when your spouse has a dream that's different than, than yours is don't be the Dream Dasher.
You don't want them to be your dream dasher and you don't wanna dash their dreams. If dreams are not going to work out, they will dash themselves. My friend Brooke Romney says this a lot. Dreams will dash themselves. We don't have to be the one who shuts things down. When Erik told me he wanted to live for a year on sailboat or the seven of us were in a universe, and I did have a whole bunch of fears sprout up.
What actually came out of my mouth at that time was, when would you want to go? Like, how serious are you about this? And he had an answer who thought it through. He wanted to go before our kids left home. He wasn't like, well, I want to do this after our last child moves out and hoping our knees and eyes are still good enough. He was like, I want to go together. And I was like, I want to go together? Zing-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. And so not to be the one who dashes it, you know.
There were many points along the way where we could have thrown in the towel, but there would always be one or the other of us saying, Hey, I believe in you. Like you can do this thing. And anyway, that's a whole, I mean, you guys, we wrote a whole book about it. It's called seven and see, if you really want to know the whole journey, you can, you can get that on Amazon. It's a really good book, but it, it was, it was a journey and you can see there so many times.
What are we doing? Whose dumb idea was this? And how are we gonna keep going? But today we're talking about when you don't have the same dream as your sweetheart. And how do you reconcile it? Because I think we were, in the case of Living on a Boat, we were able to find where the two overlapped and that was a really beautiful blend. In some cases, there's not room for that. They just don't happen. And I'll share with you one example of, one of Emily's dreams that I was not gonna be a part of.
And this was long before we lived on a sailboat. She got talked into running a marathon. I was just hanging out with the wrong crowd. She's hanging out with those runner people and they're like, oh, you know what? And she asked, anyway, one of Emily's best friends, one of our best friends persuaded Emily to run a marathon and they trained and- Literally she was running and I was like, can I run with you? But Emily went for it and I was like, you know where I'm gonna be?
I'm gonna be in bed. You can get up early and go do that training. And I had at the time zero desire to run a marathon and I still have zero desire to run a marathon. And I'm okay with that character flaw. And yet Emily was really wise because it came around to race day and she was running the Hartford, Connecticut marathon and we were living in New York City. And she made arrangements to travel up there, her and her friend were gonna share a hotel room and it started early.
And she taught me an important lesson. She said, I would be really sad if you and the kids aren't there to cheer me on. Will you come up? Because I was like, great, go do your thing. I'm sort of supportive, but from the comfort of home. And she said, I would love for you to be there. And so- I'd probably resent it if you don't come.
I have put in so many hours, I've run hundreds of miles preparing. This is a big deal to me and I really want you to be there for me. So she taught me a good lesson by saying, it matters to me that you're there cheering me on. So we booked a hotel room and me and the kids, we slept in our room and her and her friend could sleep in their own room and rest and be ready for the race.
And we made signs and we got pom-poms and we showed up and did not run a marathon, but we were there to cheer Emily on when she did, you know, bouncing between all the places where we could get to the course before she crossed at. I mean, yeah, I feel like you showed up in four different spots along the way and it really made a huge difference to me and I didn't need for you guys to run at all. But I loved that you came, that you brought the kids, that the kids got to see what I was doing and they got to see what a big deal it was. It was fun. Like we had fun. I had fun.
I had no idea. I'd never been to a marathon. I knew nothing about it. And just that it, what a party it is. And you also supported me by saying, yeah, we can make sure you get new shoes and water bottles and whatever goo you want to eat along the way. So the two things so far that we have are don't be the one who dashes. Don't be the dream dasher. I love that. Don't be the dream dasher. And the second takeaway I would say right now is you can be their biggest fan. Be their cheerleader. Be their biggest fan.
Yeah, and I guess inside of that is like allowing resources to funnel towards their dream also. Do you want to talk about Big Walling or Shall I? Oh yeah, I will tell about this because the first time that we went to Yosemite National Park to see about climbing a big wall because Erik loves to rock climb. He's been doing it since he was 14 years old and I don't have that level of experience at all but I did start rock climbing once I met Erik in college. We actually...
He's the first person I ever climbed with. And as we were getting closer, he didn't have a partner to climb with and he was kind of hoping maybe I could climb with him. And I felt really anxious about this. I'd love to be your biggest fan and I'd love to support you and be there for you. But this was, to me, was like a life and death question. It felt even maybe scarier than getting on the boat. And so- Even scarier than running a marathon. Oh yeah, for sure.
And I didn't know what's gonna happen to the kids. And anyway, I was concerned about so many elements of it, but I made a kind of a deal. I was like, why don't we take a big walling class together? It was offered in Zion National Park. And Erik didn't really need the training, but he knew that would give me some more information. And so he joined me in this class. We took it together.
And by the end of the class, I had done some really brave things that for me were really brave and I had fun and I felt proud of myself. And I was 100% clear that I was the wrong person to back you up on this climb, to have you on belay. It would have been actually really dangerous. And so it was really, really hard for me to say, I can't be the one who's there for you in that way. So when we go into the park, you're gonna have to try to look for another partner. And this is very common...
There's a cork board where people say, you know, post a little note to say what they're looking for and leave their phone number. And Erik was able to find a partner. He was a much better partner than I would have been much more experienced, more chill, more fun than I would have been on the side of a cliff. And I was able to still be supportive by being there, by being the base camp, by helping you prepare, helping you get your gear, letting the people we found come stay at our campsite sometimes.
I felt like I was actually still really able to be a huge fan and a huge support. You're amazing. And I would go in the meadow with the kids and we would take binoculars and we would watch our climbers for part of each day and just to clarify a big wall is a climb that requires more than one day and so there's an element of sleeping and camping on the side of the cliff. Yeah.
Yeah, and so I would be at the campsite with the kids and in the park and doing the things that whatever we were doing that day. But come and check in on you and take pictures and make sure when you were okay and I was there to drop you off and I was there to pick you up and we were there cheering for you, but it was definitely not one that I was gonna be able to do with you. And that was a really good lesson for me personally as someone who's like, it's in my nature to want to be everything that you need and just realizing I literally cannot do that.
If I went with you, we would both die. Well, I think as an example of this, that was when? I feel like that first trip was 2017. I think so. And so it's been six years on because we're going back to Yosemite next week and I'm planning to meet up with one of my climbing partners and we have plans to work on a big project. And there's no confusion about the fact that I'm going up and you're not. I'm going to stay in the valley. I'm going to go on some hikes.
And we're able to share. So maybe the compromise is we go and we all get to enjoy Yosemite, which is truly one of the great places on earth. We're going to go and we're going to enjoy it in different ways. And for some of those days, you know, you'll look at me through binoculars and we might text back and forth, but we'll be, I'll be on the cliff and you'll be in the campsite and you'll. I'll be having grilled cheese. And you'll make me a burrito that I'll eat three days later, you know? And so we can share the...
We can share proximity, I guess, and we can share the beauty of being in that tremendous place. But I get to go up and have my fun on the cliff and you get to... It's really not fun for me to do that. So I think that's an example of you cheering for me. And I also, I'll go back and I'll say there was a time when, because I was getting back into climbing after a long hiatus, there was a financial investment that needed to be made.
And you said, Erik, it's worth it. Buy yourself a new rope, buy yourself two new ropes, buy yourself new gear that's gonna be, that's gonna keep you safe, that's gonna let you grow in your skills and your ability. And so I was very reluctant to do that. That's true. And that was one of the hangups. And you said, look, you encouraged me to spend the money. Yeah. Just like, you know, you're talking about running and shoes and things like that.
Sometimes we need somebody to help us pull the trigger because we don't have the guts to do it ourselves. And one of the things that you can do as a cheerleader spouse is to encourage, you're gonna work as a team and figure out how much you can afford or how much time you can spend, but you're gonna be encouraging them to make that investment rather than saying, oh, well, if you would just stop climbing big walls, then we could afford to whatever, or if you would stop running marathons, you know, like we can use each other's dreams to guilt as a weapon.
We can and that's the war. You know, if you want to go back and listen to how to ruin a marriage, this is one that's a great way. This is a great way to ruin a marriage. But if you can become your, your spouse's, your partner's biggest fan and cheer them on, man, talk about how to grow some love. That's it. I love that. One of the things that I feel that
is the most heartbreaking when I hear people say it is when they say, my husband or wife would never let me do that, would never allow me to do that. Or I'm adventurous, but my spouse isn't. Isn't, yeah. And that is a hard one for me to hear because I do feel like there are so many ways that we need to be cheering each other on and that we can cheer each other on.
And like, for example, we were coaching with one couple that actually came on a sailing trip with us and it was a really good learning experience for them because the wife was able to realize oh wait a minute I want my husband around so much with the kids all of the time that I'm actually in competition with his other great love which was an outdoor athletic activity type type thing that was something that he would need to do solo, kind of like me running marathons.
And it could go that way where you said you have to choose between this one thing that you love and our family, or you could say, let's look at this, what's a way we can bring our family together around something that you love, like how you brought all the kids to come see me and cheer for me in the race. And it was just such a good eye-opening moment for them in their marriage to realize, oh, wait a minute, I know that our family is a good thing and being together is a good thing.
Is there a way I can do it without it being at the expense of something that my husband really genuinely loves and that nourishes him? Well, and these are real challenges. I mean, I was on a discovery call just this week and with the wife, she wants to go travel and see her kids and grandkids.
And the husband also loves his kids, but he also loves restoring old cars and drag racing. And sometimes there's a competition, not a competition, but there's a dynamic between how do we use the funds that are available to us. And so these are real problems to work through and they require real collaboration and compromise, and one of the things that we love to do is to help people untangle those problems and figure out how do we support each other and how do we work.
Your situation is going to be unique in many ways, but just know that there is a way forward. And it can be together. And it should be together. Hopefully, ideally, it is together. Okay, maybe we should close with this. I'm going to share some lyrics to a song that I love called Grow as We Go by Ben Platt. I don't know if he wrote it, but he sings it. And here's an excerpt.
I don't think you have to leave if to change is what you need. You can change right next to me. When you're high, I'll take the lows. You can add and I can flow and we'll take it slow and grow as we go. The whole song is beautiful. Include a link in the show notes if you wanna listen to it, but it's Grow As We Go by Ben Platt. If you listen to that, hopefully it sparks something to you about how you and your spouse can pursue your own dreams.
Cheer each other on in the dreams that you may not have in common. And then also find those ways where your dreams can overlap. And maybe you end up on a sailboat together, killing two birds with one stone, so to speak, you know, whatever your version of that might be. And so just know that there's a way forward. And when you do, it's going to, it's going to bless your marriage. It's going to bless you as an individual, your family, your kids. And, um, we've just seen it happen in our lives and the people that we work with.
And it's just a beautiful thing to return. I have one more thing to add to this. That was a beautiful closing, but I forgot to mention that one of the ways that you can be a biggest fan for your husband, wife, loved one, is not only to encourage their dreams, but to praise them.
To...to your spouse, to your husband to say like, I think it's really cool that you're doing this, or I'm so impressed that you're doing this, or I see your dedication, I see you putting in the time, like recognizing their efforts in a complimentary way and then not just to your spouse, but to your kids, to your parents if they say, oh, your husband is doing this crazy thing again. So like, I'm really proud of him. Like...
He's made, he's done a lot of progress. He's overcome so many fears. I like, I'm really inspired by what he's doing right now. Just there are, there are so many opportunities to have their back and be their biggest fan. I love it. And I love it when you do that for me, when you tell other people, whether they're our family members or even just friends or strangers, when you sing my praises, it makes me feel amazing. And I hope that I, hope that I do the, I hope that I return the favor.
Yeah, thank you so much. You're the best to me. So we always love to end with this question. What could go right? Thanks for listening.
Hey there. It's Erik. So this is what we do. It's called a Discovery Call. You book a time for 20-30 minutes. It's free. We're going to go over three questions, and when we do this you're going to be able to launch your first of many——hopefully——Family Adventures. It does not require you to quit your job. All you got to do is go to theawesomefactory.nyc/discovery. Pick a time that works for you and we'll get on and we'll get you going. Because everyone deserves to know what's possible in their life, including you. So love to see you there.
