INTRO
[Music] Welcome to the What Could Go Right? podcast. I am Erik Orton. Last week we shared
0:05
the conversation that Emily and I had with York and Jayne Young. They are parents of four adult
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kids. They share their journey through major shifts and pivots in their marriage, money,
0:14
and lifestyle. If you haven't already listened to that– the first half of the conversation–
0:19
go back and listen. It's the previous episode, the previous episode. And these guys are honest.
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They're vulnerable and insightful about what it can look like to transform your lives, marriage,
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and family in positive ways with adult kids and with a healthy healthy dose of adventure
0:36
thrown in. So this is part two with York and Jayne Young. I remember being down here in
0:43 Main Take Aways from El Camino (500 mile walk together)
Costa Rica and we had made friends with some other Americans that were on the flight. And
0:50
they insisted on having dinner and he asked that. And the real standout thing that I,
0:55
that I still have from that is –that I learned from Camino– I can do anything.
1:04
That's powerful, York. You can do anything. Yeah. You can't do everything. You cannot do
1:11
everything but you can't do anything. I also learned how hard it is for me –and
1:20
I think there might be a few other males on the planet – to express my feelings.
1:25
But because of Camino's long dry hot hours, I got many retries to answer these questions.
1:35
And express myself genuinely instead of in a way that was
1:40
,you know being a good person or being a good husband. And that's really what she
1:45
wanted. "Who the hell are you? What's going on in there?" not right answers.
1:51
She wanted, she wanted candor not – not canned responses. Yeah. Yeah. And I would say
1:58 Candor vs “Canned” Responses
we. I want to go back to something you said, too. We were really tight and really close up
2:03
until this moment it was just there was a chance –and I think that that God saw it– a chance for
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us to be even closer. And what that required was for some real breakings open especially
2:19
on my part. I think Jayne already had a lot of maturity. And I think women intrinsically
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often do have more ability to express how they're feeling. In my culture or maybe...
2:34
Yeah, yeah. I had not realized the importance of that. The significance of that– to know myself and
2:40
to really be fully, fully open, close, genuine, authentic partner to Jayne. And so that was a huge
2:50
epiphany and learning from Camino to me. It's just that being able to just say, "I am angry. I am
2:59
sad. I am jealous. I am afraid." And saying those things around really tricky things to my lover
3:07
when she's not feeling something's right. Or feeling a misalignment. That's what we often
3:15
call it. I feel misaligned here. Well I think the one of the beauties of what you're describing,
3:19
York– and Jayne I want to hear your thoughts as well –is that you said you you were you were
3:25 Risk + Reward - Making a Good Marriage Better
actually fairly close before this experience. And you're saying but you had the potential to become
3:30
even closer and more unified. And it reminds me of something my playwriting professor said when I was
3:37
young. He said a really good playwright will take you, you can take your play – and it's working.
3:42
And it's working fine. And it's working okay. And break it apart and rewrite it because you
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know it can be better. And as soon as you start to disassemble a play it breaks apart really fast.
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But just saying, "Hey, I know that this is good but I know that it can be better. And the only way
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to make it better is to kind of start breaking things a little bit." I'm feeling so validated
4:01
right now as someone who loves to rewrite good stuff. Oh, that's one of the things that we we,
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that's one of the things that we've struggle with in how we work differently. But I also love that
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you said things work...Can I speak to this, Erik? Yeah, yeah. Please do. I think that's exactly what
4:19
God did with our marriage. Yeah. Going back to this theme. It is one thing to say that,
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"Oh let's just break apart a perfectly fine marriage that's working fine. Let's break it
4:30
apart a little." And it's an entirely other thing to actually go through it. Yeah. And to live
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through it. And to do it. And to do the work that is going to be asked of you to keep it together.
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So talk to us, Jayne a little bit about your experience on the flip side of
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York saying things -in some cases for the first time or in a new way for the first time –and
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you're on the other side of that conversation. Can you just share a little bit about what that,
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what that 500 miles looked like or felt like for you? Was like from your perspective?
5:07
So
5:11 Jayne’s Perspective
I feel like you're asking two different questions because there's one like, What's,
5:14
what's the experience of hearing York share some things? And then what was the experience
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of hearing them on Camino? Because I did hear some, it didn't all happen on Camino. Okay.
5:25
Yeah. Feel free, however you want to like you know cover that. Yeah. I mean some some
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things I learned on Camino. And I would say fundamentally –very helpful. Simple answer to
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the question. Very helpful to hear York be honest and and transparent. And we both learned from that
5:43
experience that that is really the one of the keys, or if not the key, to a really thriving
5:51
vibrant relationship is just raw honesty even if that's going to hurt the person a little.
5:58
I think we both we both learned that. But fundamentally the whole experience was terrifying
6:10
and absolutely ungrounding and destabilizing. Like, going back to this– our house in New
6:21 Really Scary and Heartbreaking
Hampshire that was so perfect. And how exactly how we wanted it. And we thought it was going to
6:26
be where we lived forever. And it was working just fine. And then to have something come and disrupt
6:34
what I thought was going to work just fine. And what I thought was going to last and be that way
6:38
for the rest of our lives. And that would be fine with me. Then to have such a huge disruption to
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that way of how things were, specifically between me and York, was it was really scary because I
6:53
didn't know how it was going to end. Yeah. That does take a lot of bravery. And you're right,
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I think it's one thing to say it but it's quite another to live through it, for sure. Well,
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and yeah, when you don't know that there's a happy ending and you're not sure if it's worth the risk.
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Yeah, I think both of us weren't totally sure how it was going to end. And that was really scary and
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heartbreaking because, again something that was working fine for a long time, we're talking 25
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plus years, and then suddenly it's not working. And then it's going to work in a different way.
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It takes a lot of work to reassemble it without losing your cool or your nerve.
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Because the tendency in those moments, and I think this is for every
7:45 You Just Want to Bolt
couple/ relationship is you want to bolt. Yeah. You just want to bolt.
7:52
It's so uncomfortable you just want to get into a more comfortable... Yes.
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Especially when it was so comfortable before and suddenly it's not comfortable.
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It's like I just want comfort. Where is the comfort? Is it outside of this? Yeah.
8:07
Okay, so here's a question I have for you and this is the last one that I have (and
8:12
maybe you have some others, Emily) So this was you know over the course of the past decade
8:20
whether it's the yoga studio or hiking El Camino or you know your kids launching out into
8:28
the world and you know you have grandkids... Remind me how many grandkids you have? Four.
8:36
So if you now, you know the 2023 version of yourselves were going to go to go back
8:42
and talk to the 2013 versions of yourself, I'd love to hear from each of you on this– what what
8:49
advice would you give to the former you? Or the former, you know, the each of you, what, you know,
8:54
what would you, York, what would you say to the former you? And to the former Jayne. And, Jayne,
8:58 Advice to Your Past Self
you to to the other,r you know, anyway.. What advice would you give your past self? Is that..?
9:03
Thank you. Emily is the concise one tonight. [Cicadas] Sure, I'll jump in.
9:12
Okay, so I'll something came to York about York. And I've never been asked this question of what
9:20
advice I would give to York. I've always wanted to give advice to York and no one ever asked
9:23
for that. Awesome. He never wanted your advice before? What? Not often. But this is safe because
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it's in 2013 so.. Right. So this isn't him. So I would say, "You go boy! Like you're.. just trust
9:46
yourself. And use your courage. And go for what you want. And everything's going to be okay."
10:00
That's what I would tell York. Wow. And what would you.. That that's beautiful.
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I think that's what everybody wants to hear. Yeah and what would you tell yourself, Jayne?
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I would tell myself that
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life is going to be so much better than you can even
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imagine like that you can even imagine. And that they're going
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to be some bumpy times but just hang on and trust the process. And get excited.
10:36
Get excited. Wow. I love that. Okay we're gonna pass the talking stick to you, York.
10:43
Yeah. I think I would probably just say to both of us, "Keep talking...
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Keep walking...
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It's going to be okay. It's going to work out.
11:05
Don't give up.
11:14 York’s Book, “Ridiculously Okay”
Yeah. Everything's going to be Ridiculously Okay. Boom! Awesome. Awesome. Okay. So when? Your book
11:24
comes out when, York? That is tricky to answer. It is in the finishing touches of production,
11:31
if you will, for print and ebook. Nice. I'm toying with the idea of doing the narration myself.
11:38
I love it. I can't do that on the road here. I have to do that from my high-tech sound studio
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called my closet. Like a true pro. That's how we do it. So many people have said I'll read your
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book if you'll put it on audio that I'm, despite my coach's advice, tempted to wait releasing it in
12:00
print form until both audio and print are ready. So there's a long-winded answer for - I don't
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know exactly but it's but it's coming. People are going to have to wait. Well, hey, we'll we'll have
12:15
a link in the show notes whenever it comes out so people can find it. Yeah because you want to
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hear York read it himself. Yeah. I was just gonna say we've learned the same thing as authors that,
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even myself now that we no longer live in New York City, I consume books much more through listening
12:32
than reading. And, in fact, my latest book, we've only released it as an audiobook because...
12:39
That's what we heard. So we thought we'd toy around. We're just trying that out. So I think
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listening, I think you're you're going down a good path in my opinion. Not that you're
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asking for my advice but, yeah. I actually do have one more question. What is that
12:53
buzzing sound on our on our end? I think it's I think it's the nightlife in in Costa Rica. Yeah
13:00
it could be. It sounds like cicadas. Yeah. No, it sounds like cicadas. Okay. And then I actually
13:05
have another question. Well we just never want to stop talking to you guys so that's obvious. But
13:11 Adult Kids Surprise Response to Your Transformation
I guess I'm curious about how this transformation has
13:20
affected your kids? If they've seen something different in you? If you feel like you're
13:25
setting an example for them in any way? Or just like how does it affect those relationships,
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either how they feel towards you or how you're feeling about them? In fact, before you answer
13:37
that I want to jump in with an observation because I remember sitting in your home,
13:40
and one of your kids or you told us I think that one of your kids said as you
13:44
were going through the thralls of launching and ramping up Sol Power Yoga, that you said,
13:51
"You guys make marriage look terrible." What?! Okay. So yeah, Let's talk about, let's so so...
13:58
From where you are now.. Yeah. How how is this playing out with the kids, the adult kids? Right?
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Well adulting is resisted by the rising generations so.. but yes headed towards adulting.
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Some of them adults. And, Jayne, you probably have a better feel for this. Yeah, I wish I could say
14:18
that we are totally inspiring them in a very brave exciting life. And honestly what I get more of is,
14:29
"You're going to die." Or "You guys are kind of crazy." And "Why can't you just live a normal life
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and be here all the time for us?" Yes. Cooking us Sunday dinners and babysitting our children. Oh.
14:41
Okay. So that's what I hear. But I do have a secret hope that we are modeling a really
14:53
fun exciting way to live life especially at this second half of our life where there is more
14:59
freedom and more opportunities for us. So I don't know if that's true but I hope that that's true.
15:07 Parenting is a Long Game
But we know in parenting that it is a long game and sometimes you wait for a decade or so before
15:14
you find out. And I think I yeah I would bet on you guys but that the kids get.. Right now, you
15:25
know, your kids, these adult kids just becoming a grown-up, just taking on like paying your rent,
15:32
jobs, getting a mortgage, trying to raise these little people handling, you know, uniting your
15:38
life with another person in marriage is feels like such a huge adventure. Just like learning how to
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drive. And at a certain point you aren't thinking about all those emotions anymore and that's when
15:49
you come and say like, "Wait a minute. What's going on here? Am I am I happy with the direction
15:53
things are going?" And they will.. if they come to that point, definitely have a model in you.
15:59
Or knowing, 'We're capable of reinventing this if we want to.' Yeah. I think that's very true. Okay
16:07 Feelings After Selling Your Business
so here's my other question – and I want to come back to kind of this very recent landmark – you
16:13
sold your business within the past month, right? Yes. WooHoo! How does that feel?
16:21
And what's and you told me kind of a little bit.. I wish we could see your face right now.
16:27
I know. No, it's okay. So I want to know how it feels? And then and what you're.. where you're
16:32
at as you kind of weigh and consider what's next? Because I know you haven't decided on
16:37
anything but I'm just curious your process as you figure that out? So, so for now you've sold your
16:42
business. You signed off on it just a few weeks ago and then you jumped on planes for Costa Rica.
16:49
Yeah, I'll speak first and then... No, I think Jayne is really person to answer this entirely.
16:55
Yeah, and I would say the reason for that is because it just impacts
17:00
me more. Yeah, very much so. It was more a part of my daily life.
17:04
And I don't.. It creates space for you to pursue something new more than.. I've got my little book
17:10
dream and my professor dream and I'm, I'm full. I'm booked. So Jayne's the best person for to
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answer this. All right, go for it Jayne. Yeah, the initial experience of having sold the business was
17:26
not what I expected. I was hoping and expecting that it would be very celebratory – an immediate
17:32
feeling of like weight and then freedom. And like almost digital of you know working, carrying the
17:41
weight of running a business, and then it's not mine. And then it's totally off and I'm a new
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person. And that wasn't like at all. Like an all or nothing thing? Yeah. It was more like marriage.
17:54
It's just a process and you kind of adjust to it eventually.
17:58
That's been my experience of slowly kind of pulling back emotionally from it. And
18:07
and then there was some sadness of feeling a loss of what I was doing. And and something that we
18:15
created and that I loved was not a part of my life anymore. And now, so that's all been a process
18:24
of a few weeks. And now I stand at a really exciting threshold of a lot of possibilities and
18:34
with a lot of experience under my belt. And a lot of experiences that tell me– just like what
18:43 I Really Can Do Anything
York learned on Camino– is I'm I really can do anything and the aperture is very wide of what
18:50
what I can do. I just need to decide. So I'm in that space now and I find it very exciting too
18:58
not know. Oh, I like that. It's exciting not to know. And in coming around this circle again it
19:06
sounds a lot like in the first place when your kids started moving out. And that thing that
19:11
you had been so invested in and probably had that similar kind of transition of,
19:15
you know, the letting go. And the not being as involved or involved in different ways
19:21
with your kids but then having this increasing bandwidth and at that threshold. And here you
19:27 Same Situation - Different Perspective
are again. And with both of you– with a totally different perspective now. And York is saying,
19:34
"Hey, I have my thing. And let's see what Jayne wants to do." And it's a very different approach
19:39
as you come to this juncture again – as you spiral up. Isn't that beautiful? She has a less..
19:47
It is. A much less meddlesome husband this time – so much more free space. But it says.. again,
19:55
it just took a lot of work for, I think, both of us to get to get, to a place where we trust
20:00
ourselves and each other and the relationship and future and all of that. To be able to..
20:07
Yeah. Yeah. And what's kind of fun is, and I correct me if I'm wrong, Jayne, now that
20:14
there's I think enough deep deep trust in our relationship– and individual trust in ourselves;
20:21
and our life's missions; and each other; and our love; and maturity to go with it
20:28
such that we could definitely pursue different things– what we're finding is I think that often
20:34
what we want to do is something together. But it's from a much more mature healthy free-will
20:43
on everyone's part approach. And I have to get this pesky you know day job off my back but
20:50
I'm.. Luckily we've been blessed financially and worked hard and saved hard. And if Jayne
20:56
comes up with something that demands that I need to work with her full-time we can. I can
21:02
drop my day job and support what she wants to do. So that's kind of exciting and so I am,
21:09
you know, quietly curiously watching. Well, the day job lets you be hanging out in a yoga
21:16
studio in Costa Rica at the moment. I know poor. poor him. I'm not gonna.. I won't shed too many
21:22
tears for you. I know anytime he complains about it I'm like, "No no no no no no."
21:25
To be fair, I've sat in this horrible weather all day working on UVU stuff today today,
21:33 You Know Your Dream is Too Small When…
so. Again, the dreams always have this illusion of dreaminess but there is a grind that follows
21:39
you where you go. You know and if the dreams don't have grind, sweat, and honestly you know
21:48
scare the crap out of you, literally, then then they're too small.
21:54
Yeah. Yes. Yes. Actually, Erik loves to say that. And we we originally we created a course
22:01
and we called it Dreaming with Discipline. But we learned that everybody wanted to talk about
22:05
dreaming and nobody wanted to talk about discipline. Those like little everyday
22:11
steps. And those you know decisions that we make that aren't sexy that really
22:20
bring us to that place where we have growth and fulfillment. And we can look back and just say
22:25
like, "Oh, my gosh! Look how far we have come. Can you believe that was just us? We never would
22:31
have imagined who we are now." For me, this is my main takeaway from our conversation,
22:36
is that each of you, in your own individual way, came to a place where you said to yourself,
22:43
'I can do anything. I can do anything.' And the fact that you're at this new juncture,
22:52
you know, having sold the business, and and new possibilities are in front of you. And
22:56
you can look back with all this credibility and all this confidence and say, 'Whatever we pick,
23:02
we know we can make it happen.' And like you pointed out, York, you can't do everything.
23:06
But whatever you do pick, you can do anything. So I just think, that's for me. That's the most
23:13
beautiful takeaway. And I really appreciate you guys jumping on with us tonight from the remote
23:18 Thank You and Get Your FREE Discovery Call in the Links
regions of Central America. And, you know chatting with us about life's fun journey. So, thank you.
23:25
Yeah, it's great to be with you. Hey, thanks for joining us for that fun conversation with
23:31
York and Jayne. We sure love them. And we sure love you. If you.. First of all,
23:36
if you're, if you're having a good time listening to this be sure to rate, review, subscribe,
23:41
share this with somebody that you think would help. We'd love to get the word out and have
23:44
more people part of this conversation about being parents of adult kids. And secondly, I'll say that
23:49
if you think a mini-retirement might be right for you go to our website theawesomefactory.nyc
23:56
theawesomefactory.nyc forward slash "/strategysession" Check it out. We'd love to
24:01
hop on a call with you real quick, 30-40 minutes and just explore what a mini-retirement might look
24:06
like for you and how you can pull it off. So check it out. Thanks again. See you next time.
Summary:
If you’ve ever wondered if your marriage could be better than “fine.”Or if you’ve ever wondered what a resilient, connected, satisfying marriage looks like from the inside, listen to this. Peek inside the deep, dynamic, sometimes dark, and (in this case) triumphant journey of midlife marriage. Jayne and York, parents of four adult kids, share their journey through major shifts and pivots in their marriage, money, and lifestyle. If you haven't already listened to the first half of the conversation, go back and listen to episode 10. York and Jayne are honest. They're vulnerable and insightful about what it can look like to transform your lives, marriage, and family in positive ways with adult kids and with a healthy dose of adventure thrown in.
Family first doesn’t mean mom and dad last. Make midlife more meaningful. Live by design not by default.
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