Today we're going to talk about the myth of the perfect family. What does that even mean? Do you believe there's such a thing as a perfect family? I don't know but welcome to the What Could Go Right? podcast where we talk about personal growth, family connection, and parenting adult kids. I'm Erik Orton. I'm Emily Orton. And we are the parents of five kids all of who have launched or are launching and we want to help you in this complex and exciting phase of Parenthood. So, Emily, today we're going to talk about the myth of the ideal family. Yeah. So this came up we were actually filming an episode for Come Follow Up at BYU TV and the scholar for that day who is you know in the group she talked about the perfect family. She talked about the myth of the perfect family. And she suggested that it can be like an idol. Like, we kind of imagine this perfect family. And we sort of worship it. And then we just feel terrible about ourselves when we don't feel like we have lived up to that perfect family or that we didn't come from a perfect family. Or you know anyway it's just this idea of the perfect family. Yeah and I mean if you know we were in this particular situation talking about scriptural families and there's you're pretty hard-pressed to find a perfect family there let alone...In there aren't any
1:29 No Perfect Families/Erik’s parents
there are none and then so I think our answer is does the perfect family exist? Our answer is- No. It does not exist. And um and I think I'll just share an example of my mom because my mom grew up in Finland after World War II. The country was very poor. Pretty badly beat up
and my grandparents divorced when my mother was very young. And my grandfather was an artist painter and he worked as a firefighter to kind of supplement his art income. And my grandmother worked my you know my grandmother my mom's mom worked at like a fabric factory. Yeah, I want to say - I want to say what textile that's the one I was looking for, textiles. She worked in textiles and so she was a single mom and so she would go off to work and so my mom kids two small kids my mom and her little brother and they were basically raised by my great my great-grandparents in the basement apartment of some building that had no indoor plumbing. And for a while, they actually lived before they moved in with my grandparents my mom and her mom and brother lived in this little cottage this little shack and my mom my mother and grandmother would go off to work and my mom would proceed to get her little brother ready, take him to school, come home and you know to clean the house most of the day. And so one of the I remember...one story that I remember is my mom the neighbors said to my grandma you know why do you make her clean so much? Why do you? I guess she's like eight years old and just out there beating all the rugs and sweeping everything out and she's like I don't ask her to do any of that she just does it, yeah and so there wasn't any internet back then so yeah no real electricity or indoor plumbing and so anyway suffice it to say I don't feel like my mom who is an amazing human being and had an amazing upbringing. She had a lot of love. Her mom loved her. Her dad loved her grandparents loved her she knew and knows all of her relatives because she moved around and lived with them while you know just trying to sort of make it to adulthood and then when she got to the age of 16-17 she moved to New York City where she started working as a nanny there. And kind of bounced between Finland and New York until she moved permanently here to go to college and has built a beautiful life with my dad. I feel like I've been given just the most amazing gift of being raised by my parents. And my siblings, I think we all received the same gift. And so I guess what I'm trying to get at is that we don't have to have amazing parents or an amazing upbringing to have an amazing life. And I think my parents have been my dad has his own story where his father died and he was very young and so I don't think either of them had the ideal perfect life. This you know this is the ideal that we're talking about of a perfect family growing up. They didn't have ideal circumstances and yet they have created a beautiful life. And they have gifted me a beautiful upbringing. The same time I as a person if I wanted to could take all the gift of their graciousness and squander it and build a terrible life for myself. And so what I guess for me it's not so much about what we're given but what we do with it. And my parents made something beautiful out of something. You know Beauty for Ashes. and I've been giving something beautiful from them. And hopefully, have built something that they are proud of or pleased with. I know I love my life.
5:21 Intentional Parenting Goals
I’m grateful for it. And so anyway well I would say to your parents that when they came together they both knew that they wanted to create a life for their children that was much more stable than the one they had. Yeah, and they were very deliberate about what their priorities were and how they wanted to go about that at least for the first like the part where they were raising you up to when you would move out. They had a plan for that. And um I love this quote well okay they had a plan for that and I just want to say that those relationships don't happen by accident. And it's especially challenging if you haven't had a mentor to show you how to engage in resilient relationships in a family where you're like, 'Hey, we can navigate the ups and downs. And we'll be an undercurrent - you know a foundation of trust and an undercurrent of Love through all of it as we kind of grow together. But I do love what you were
6:22 JK Rowling - Expiration Date on Blaming Parents
saying about you don't have to have had amazing parents to build an amazing life for yourself. I really love this quote by JK Rowling. She said there is an expiry date on blaming your parents for steering you in the wrong direction. The moment you're old enough to take the wheel, the responsibility lies with you. And I kind of always remembered it as there's an expiration date on blaming your parents. That's kind of like my short version of it. And that's actually really empowering because it's nice to say oh here's maybe why I've thought these things or felt this way and now that I've identified that I'm gonna choose to move forward in a way that I prefer. Or maybe I'll choose to keep going that way because I liked it. But the choice lies with us and the same will be the case for your adult kids. Like as parents, it's nice to be able to say like, 'Hey, this is your life and whatever you feel like I didn't give you. Whatever that gap is where you feel like I as a parent wasn't ideal, I own that I wasn't ideal. I'm sorry. But I believe in you and your ability to fill in those gaps as you move forward. And I think I can still be your cheerleader and your fan and your advisor. We can be connected even if I wasn't quote-unquote "perfect" because no parent is "perfect." No child is "perfect." No family is "perfect." But we can
7:48 Magazine Cover Families
aim for resilience. So I want to go back. We had a friend over for lunch this weekend and we were talking about this concept. And we were saying you know the perfect family- like the kinds you see on the covers of magazines? Oh, yes. And that's when we're like- wait a second. We've been on the cover of a magazine so... Ta-da a little bit lower a little bit lower. Yeah, April 2019. Yeah, this was the year or the month our book Seven at Sea came out. And so we're like, Oh wait a second. We might be perceived as one of those perfect families. And so it's ironic that we say this but looking at this picture of us on the cover of a magazine I can look at it and say I know about all of my imperfections and faults and the times that we have not behaved as well towards each other as we could have or should have. And um our kids are amazing. We love them. But I can tell you, they're not perfect. And they'll tell you the same thing. And we have had other friends who have been on the covers of other magazines and we know their struggles as well. And we know that despite how good-looking they are and wonderful they are, their lives have not been easy. And they are far from perfect. And so I guess as you know as one of the people that can speak from a little bit of a place of authority even, even magazine-cover families are not perfect. So that's one thing right there. Yeah, I think that's the whole point of this is hopefully you feel better if you are a family that is trying. That keeps communicating, keeps forgiving, keeps improving, and celebrating. And just saying like, 'Hey, can I get a do-over?' Or 'Yay for us. We did this awesome thing.'
9:36 Lily Pops In
Then you're on the right track. Hey, Lily. Do you want to be on our podcast just for a little bit? Okay, so this is Lily. If you haven't met her- if you're on video, you can see her. Lily, do you want to say hello for the people who are listening? Oh, she's a she's mute today. So okay. Well, hey when you don't speak up all right. So hey, thanks for joining us for this episode. I just want to remind you we are well, first of all, you can order a scarf from Lily. Just kidding - just kidding. We don't even have the material but I'll say that if you're interested let us know and maybe we'll know that's a good business idea for her yeah if you'd like a scarf from Lily let us know and we'll put you on the waitlist. So we don't run ads on (despite what I just said). We don't run ads on this podcast so the only way people are going to find out about it is through word of mouth. So if you like it please rate it, review it, and share it with a friend. And then also, if you haven't already, we'd love to spend a few minutes with you on one of our FREE strategy sessions. FREE mini sessions. And you can sign up for that by going to our website theawesomefactory.nyc/strategy session. Find a time. We'd love to help you discover what's possible in your life. Everyone deserves to know that. Anything else we should say, Emily? That's it. That's it. You read my mind. All right. Thanks for joining us. Til next time.
