Hey, there. Welcome to the What Could Go Right? podcast. I am Erik Orton. I'm Emily Orton. And we, today, want to share with you a script for how you can have your kids want to listen to your advice - getting your kids to want to take your advice. Oh, yeah. That's the magic. I mean we've had parents just say like, I think things are pretty good with my kids I just wish they would listen to my advice. And take my advice. Dreamy, dreamy. Right? And so we are the parents of five kids. Three have launched. One is launching. And just we've had experience with for over a decade with hundreds of young adults.
0:42 The One Rule
And we are here to share what has worked for us. So, do you want to know what's worked for us? I think, I think I heard them say, Yes. I think I heard the audience say, Yes. Because they're still listening that's like a tacit yes. That's how you know. Yeah, so there's really just one rule
and that is do not give unsolicited advice. And then here's how we get them to want to take our advice
1:10 This Is A Win
First of all, if your child or this adult young adult in your life is sharing something with you - maybe a struggle, a decision they're trying to make, something they're working through, that is a win.
1:21 Six Parts to Sharing Advice
So the first thing is just to recognize that it's a win that they're making a bid for communication. The second thing to do is to validate their experience like, 'Wow. That makes perfect sense. I can see why you're feeling that way.' Even if you would have handled it totally differently or you would have felt differently. A little empathy goes a long way here. To say, like, 'I understand why you are feeling this way.' Then you can let themknow that you can add value. Maybe that you have some experience. That you have some thoughts on this matter. And ask permission, 'Would you like to hear my thoughts?' Then you let them decide. If they say, no. Great. Just listen, 'I believe in you. I know you'll figure it out. I'm always here if you want to talk some more.’
2:07 Recap
So, the six steps for getting them to take your advice is: One, recognize that they're trusting you by sharing in the first place. Two, validate their experience. Three, let them know you can add value. Four, ask permission to add that value um or four yeah four add value. Five, ask permission to share. And then Six, let them
2:30 Car Insurance Advice Rejected
decide. So here's what the script might go like. Erik, will you be the young adult? Yeah. Didyou want me to share an example of how not to do this or when do you want to do that? Sure, go ahead and share an example. I mean, I think we all have lots of examples. Let's see if this matches an experience you may have had in your conversation life. All right, so our daughter um one of our daughters has a job. And she's on her way to work in the morning. And something is in the road that she can't get around and she runs over it and damages her car. And she's over the side. She calls Emily. She solves the problem. I was somewhere off grid. Yeah. But we sorted it out. You guys took care of it. So she got it to the mechanic and repaired the axle and all that. And the car's back on the road pretty quickly. And then when I'm back home from my travels, I'm out there. It's late at night and I'm kind of looking at our daughter's car with her. And I realized that the bodywork didn't get done because it went to a mechanic shop, not a body shop. So all the mechanical stuff has been repaired but the bodywork -which is not a lot but enough its worth getting taken care of. And so I said, 'Hey, here's what you should do. You need to call the insurance company. This is what you need to say. This is what you need to - information you need to provide you know. This is the explanation of background why.' And I started to go into all the reasons, the reasons why she should do this. And how she should do this. And she's like, 'Dad,I don't want to talk with about car repairs with you right now.' It's like, 'Oh. Because I know a lot about repairing cars and and body damage and thingslike that. Especially having five kids. We've totaled a few cars and had a few other kinds of accidents and so.' But then like it was complete shutdown. I don't want to have this conversation especially not right now. Maybe not ever. And so I was like, 'Oh, okay. All right.' And I just I zipped it. And that was it until. And you realized what you had... I realized I had been offering unsolicited advice which was a big No-No. It was coming from a wonderful place. You were like, 'I care about you. I love you. I want to add value to your life. I want your car to be in perfect working order. You shouldn't have to pay for it. Yeah, you I want to help make this better. It came from that place. But the approach was rejected. And so um we did she and I did end up talking about it later. And Erik had already downloaded to me all his excellent advice. AndI was in a position where she wanted to hear counsel and I offered it to her. And she took action. And things are underway to be resolved just as you would have hoped and dreamed for her. All my love will be received eventually through the proper channels at the right time in the right place.
5:18 Script for “no” scenario
But the approach is what we really want to talk about now. Let's let's run through a scenario where we use this script okay and see how it feels to you as you're listening to it. All right .I'm I'm the adult child so, "Hank the angsty frustration. Drama, drama. Problems, problems, more problems. Still frustration. Still angsty. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just talking in circles now. I've just got I'm just going to keep repeating my problems over and over to you. And I'm gonna spin my wheels. And I'm just gonna pour out all of my tediousness and frustration. And I just keep going. But ,you know what? That's it. I'm done.' 'Okay, that is, wow. That is a lot. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Thank you for trusting me with all of that. I can see why you feel overwhelmed or frustrated. Like, that's complicated.It's challenging.' 'Yeah. Yeah, it is.' 'That makes perfect sense why you feel that way. AndI don't know if you're interested - I've had a little experience in this area. And I have some thoughts on what might make it better. And I just wonder if you'd be interested in hearing those thoughts?' 'Honestly, no. Not right now. I'm just tired. I just want to go to sleep. I should probably eat some food and go to bed. I'm just - I'm over it but thanks for listening, mom.' 'Well, I believe in you. I know you're gonna figure it out. Some food and a nap is a great idea. And if you decide you want to talk more about it, I'm here for you.' 'Thank you. You're the best.' So that's the No, I-don't-want-your advice. But we respected the bid for connection. And there's a really good chance she's either gonna solve it or he's gonna solve it or they'll come back to talk more about it or you'll be like, 'Hey how did that turn out?' Okay, now
7:19 Script for “yes” Scenario
let's do scenario two scenario two. Yeah, okay. 'The yes. Oh, angsty, angsty. Problems, problems. Frustration saying the same thing in five, six, seven, eight, ten different ways but really not getting anywhere. I'm just frustrated and angsty. And these people they just don't understand. AndI see no way out. It's pretty much - I'm doomed no matter what I do. And I'm ready to give up. And so, there. I'm done.' 'Wow, that's a lot.' 'Yeah, that is. It's the worst. Yeah, it's huge. It's complicated. I bet you've never had anything like this.' 'It's no fun. It is no fun. And I'm really sorry that you're having to face this right now. And I don't know if you're interested in any kind of insights or counsel. I have a little experience in this area. I have a few thoughts - you could take them or leave them. Would you be interested in hearing them?' 'Yeah, I mean ,that's why I'm telling you because I just don't know what to do. And I figured you might have some ideas. So lay it on me.' 'Okay, well here are my thoughts. And they're based in wisdom and empathy and real life experience.' 'Oh my goodness.' 'And they will really, you know, help reframe this problem so it doesn't feel so heavy.' 'I never thought of it that way. and now...' they're so good.' 'Some steps you could take to get you out of this frustration and this situation.' 'I'm healed. I'm healed heart and mind. I'm healed. You have done it, Mom. You! Oh my goodness. Thank you so much.' 'It's some, it's something to think about.' 'Yeah, okay.' 'And look, I believe in you. I know you're gonna figure this out.' 'Thank you.' 'And if you want to talk more about it I'm always happy to listen.' 'Awesome. You're the best. I love you and you're beautiful.'
9:18 Disclaimer
This is a dramatization. These are not actually results. But this script, it shows respect. And it shows that you believe they can figure it out. And you're just on their team but they're really the ones who are in charge of their life. You're just adding value. You're an asset not a liability. And you are someone who believes in them. And when someone believes in you, you want to go back to them again and again.
9:50 They Listen But Don’t Accept
Can I add one thing here? Please do. So there's the scenario where they say, No, I don't want your advice. And this isn't - there's a scenario where, Yes, they do want your advice, the road splits again. After that they may take your advice. They may not take your advice. And either way is okay. It was it was like a gift freely given. They can take it or leave it. And so at the risk of telling you what to do I would say be cautious about getting offended or feeling hurt if they don't take your advice. Just receiving it is an act of love and humility on their part and so um what they do with it is up to them. And I think that advice given with that in mindis the best kind of advice - even when it's solicited. That's my thought. Thank you so much for that So we leave that to you take it or leave it. If you try this at home we'd love to hear more about it and we just want you to keep asking What Could Go Right?
